A piece of me has been missing since June 18, 2023. Anyone who has lost their mom (or anyone else who means the world to you) can relate to this feeling.
I am sharing some of the things I have been feeling in the days and weeks since my mom passed away, as well as 7 things that have helped me get through the most difficult time of my life.
This is not a typical blog post for my site, but I wanted to write it because I know it will help me, and my hope is that it will help others as well.
Grief
I want to go to Costco with my mom. I want to call her and tell her about my day. I want to ask her advice. Send her a picture of the two dresses I’m deciding between for an event.
I want to see my boys run to her and give her a hug. I want to dry dishes next to her while she washes them. I want to share a candy bar with her. Go on a walk together. Sit next to her on the couch.
There are so many things I don’t know about her that I want to ask her about. I want to hear her voice. Receive a text message from her. Send her a video of her grandkids doing something cute. Give her a hug.
I just want my mom.
I hate that my mom isn’t here to see my kids learn something new. I can’t send her a video or call her when they say something cute. She isn’t here to swoop in and help out when I am feeling overwhelmed by life with two toddlers.
She won’t be here to move my brother into his college dorm next week. I hate that she was taken away from us at such a young age.
There have been multiple times I have gone to call my mom out of habit before my heart sinks, and I remember that she won’t answer.
It feels so unfair, and I constantly wonder why this had to happen. I know I can’t change the past. But I just want to so badly.
It hurts to see a grandma playing with her grandchildren. A young girl shopping with her mom. A middle-aged couple eating at a restaurant together. An elderly person walking down the street. Knowing my mom won’t get a chance to grow old or do any of those things again.
If you have lost someone you love and can relate to any of these feelings, know you are not alone.
7 Things That Have Helped Me Through the Grief
1. Talk to Those Who Understand Loss
Everyone grieves differently, but talking to others who know what a tremendous loss feels like can be helpful.
I am grateful for those who understand. But I wish none of us ever had to be in this shitty “club” to begin with and feel the pain that it brings.
A good friend of ours, who has been through more loss than anyone should ever have to endure, wrote this after my mom passed away:
“I wish I had some magic words of wisdom. I’m sorry to say I don’t think there are any. And while I know it’s comforting to hear all of the amazing things people share with you, I know it also feels just terrible. I hope that in the near future your memories will turn from painful to happy. That when you think of her you can smile and feel good, instead of only feeling sad with tears in your eyes. It will happen, I promise. In the meantime, be happy when you can.”
I hope this gives you some peace. Things will get easier. The pain will never fully go away, but it won’t be as consuming. Hold onto those happy memories and try to focus on things that bring you a least a little bit of joy.”
I clung to these words during the darkest, hardest days. And I have come to realize that the words are true. I can watch a video of my mom or think of a sweet memory of her and smile, rather than sob.
And while I still love my mom so much, miss her, and wish she was here every single day, I don’t feel constantly and completely consumed with grief anymore.
Many people told me that grief comes in waves, and I have found that to be true. There are days when it feels like everything is going to be okay and there are days when the grief feels crushing, and I don’t know how I am going to make it without her.
On those crushing days, try to do some of these next things ⤵️
2. Be Kind to Yourself
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to have moments of joy and happiness. Just take it easy on yourself.
You don’t have to go back to your regular routine right away if you’re not ready. But it is okay to get back into a routine if it helps you.
Don’t beat yourself up for not being as sharp as usual. It’s okay if you cry 30 times a day. It is ok if the tears don’t come.
Everyone grieves and processes things differently. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the way you grieve.
Grief takes a huge mental and physical toll on you, so be kind to yourself and try to take care of yourself.
3. Do What Makes You Happy
Losing someone you love can leave you feeling dark and depressed. Do things that will bring you even the slightest bit of joy and happiness.
Staying busy, being around my toddlers and family/friends, going on walks, and being outside are the main things that helped me feel happy.
It’s ok to be selfish and say no to things you don’t want to do, especially on the hard days. Now is not the time to worry about pleasing others.
Plan a trip. Eat a tub of ice cream. Watch TV all day. Go for a bike ride. Do whatever will bring you some light in those dark days.
4. Take Care of Yourself
Take care of yourself – emotionally, mentally, and physically. If you feel like you have no energy or motivation, just focus on simply getting yourself to eat and drink water.
Taking a shower will probably make you feel better. Moving your body and getting some fresh air will likely help too.
Consider going to therapy or talking to a doctor if you feel like it might help. Write in a journal or talk with friends and family.
5. Accept Help
When my mom passed away, there were so many people who graciously reached out offering to bring food, help with my kids, or do other kind things.
It can be very overwhelming when so many people are saying, “How can I help?”, and you don’t know what to say. Everyone means well, but you have enough to worry about without the added mental load of coming up with ways for people to help.
If you are the one offering help, try to come up with a specific way to help. Schedule a house cleaning. Set up a grocery delivery. Drop off food. Meal prep. Walk the dog. Get them a gift card. Do household chores. Take their kids out to do something fun.
If you are going through a hard time, accept help from others. Even if you are someone who usually says, “Oh thanks, but it’s okay.” You will pay it forward when you have your feet back on the ground.
6. Make New Memories of Your Mom
One of the most painful realities of losing someone you love is thinking about the future without them in it.
And while I can’t make any new memories with my mom, I can make memories celebrating her, living like her, and sharing her legacy with others.
Come up with traditions on the hard days – birthdays, holidays, the death date, etc. – that celebrate your loved one and bring you some joy.
Do things to honor your loved one. My mom was the kindest, most generous person that I know. When I do something kind or giving, it warms my heart, and I know she is proud.
I talk about her all the time with my family and my kids. We pray for her every night. I will never stop talking about my mom and sharing her story.
7. Believe in the Signs
On the morning of my mom’s first heavenly birthday, I went for an early morning walk. The weather was perfect, the sunrise was beautiful, and I was wearing her Cleveland Browns shirt that still smelled like her.
As I was walking down a hill, a cardinal flew right in front of my face. I immediately burst into tears and felt an overwhelming sense that my mom was with me. I can’t remember ever seeing another cardinal around my neighborhood before that day.
About a week prior to that, we were visiting Lake Michigan. Life with two toddlers can be a lot sometimes, and I just needed a break. So I took a solo walk down to the beach and saw a beautiful sunset. I took a photo and saw a perfect “t” formed from the rays of the sun. My mom’s name was Theresa and my kids called her TT. 🤍
I truly believe these are signs from God and my mom, reassuring us that she’s always with us and that although she wants to be with us physically, she’s in the best place possible, and we will see her again in time.
You never know when you’ll receive a sign, but just be open to it and believe in your heart that it’s real.
On my mom’s last Mother’s Day with us, I wrote in her card telling her how much we love her, how grateful we are for everything she does for us, and that we would be lost without her.
All of that is still true. We will love her forever. We are so grateful for the impact she made on us and the legacy she left. And we are lost without her. But we are slowly finding our way, with her in our hearts. 🤍
I love you so much, mom. Thanks for being my best friend and for all of your unconditional love and support. Happy heavenly birthday. 🎈
